big BLUE …

Blue. The color associated with the throat chakra. Blue. The color of my eyes. Interestingly, I had kept both of them partially closed up to all those around me – strangers, loved ones, myself – for most of my past life.

Throat chakra … communication, speaking your truth, expression. Today, I took a beautiful meditation class at M N D F L in Greenwich Village. In the middle of the meditation, I got an intense tickle in my throat and REALLY needed to cough. However, I did not feel inclined to break the stillness in the room with a cough attack. So, I held it back. And my eyes started to tear. And I was quickly reminded of being a child afraid to cough for fear of attracting attention to my “noise.” How sad, right? And coughing was no different than my words. I was afraid of being heard. Afraid of being me. And so I held it back, kept it all inside. No wonder holding in a cough results in tears. Coughing is a vocal release. It is part of my voice (not my “noise”). And I have definitely learned that holding in my words will also result in tears. It may have taken some years, but those guys flow easier these days. It’s my time to release. Time to be free of those old stories. Time to express who I am and fuck being afraid of it. I’m the only one afraid of me. Let’s be honest, everyone else thinks I’m pretty rad.

My eyes. Those big blue beauties – if I let them be, anyway. I’ve also held them back. Kept them tucked away under squinty half-opened eyelids. If people can’t see ALL of my eyes, then they can’t see me and what I’m REALLY about. Who’s that hurting? Yup, you guessed it – me again! I’ve actually noticed that my eyes are tired of being half-open … I don’t know what muscles are in my face that control my eyelids, but they’re tiiiiired of squinting for 30+ years. Now, I’m working on that face muscle memory ;) and awareness of the tightness that just doesn’t feel good anymore. The beautiful thing is that when I open my eyes wide, I can see the world. Like a whole bunch more of it. And I feel like I’m a bigger part of it. And I feel more open to welcoming in others.

Open your throat (or voice for a less gruesome visual). Let yourself be heard.
Open your eyes. Let yourself be seen.
And your heart will automatically open as well …

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beautiful food with BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE …

This looks like a pile of food scraps. Ok, it is a pile of food scraps. And so much more. Mixed in there is a whole lotta love and energy and beauty.

I had nothing to do with this pile of beauty other than joyously eating EVERYTHING that was made from the other more edible parts of these plants. So, I suppose I played my part quite well, thank you very much.

This past Memorial Day weekend, I spent some time at my cousin’s home in Katonah, NY. They had a lovely party with delectable food and even more delectable people.

I was quickly reconnected to the joy I have for cooking and for being around deep like-minded people. Ahhh, so refreshing. First the cooking … as I mentioned, I cooked none of it. However, watching others easily and lovingly move around the kitchen reminded me of, well, me. I look forward to the day that I make that an important part of my life again. And especially to having someone to share that with.

Even more importantly, obviously, were the people I met. I haven’t talked that much in a loooong time! Ok, yes, I was drinking. And that may have contributed slightly to my seemingly excessive talking (or a lot … who knows, I was drinking). When I find myself conversing with like-minded people, I have soooooo much more to talk about and it’s soooooo much less scary to share who I am.

I was a very quiet shy gal growing up and really only until a few years ago. However, many people have told me that they never saw me as shy. Man, it is so interesting what we tell ourselves. So, at this point in my life, I seek and manifest other similarly fabulous humans that I feel comfortable being my true self with. And I can tell rather quickly when we are not on the same page (only took 39 years! … and still learning …). These 2 wonderful new humans were so easy to talk with, to share with and we had a whole lot in common. I felt like I talked waaaaaay too much, and didn’t inquire as much about them. I have a million questions I could’ve asked (and still can, thanks to technology and connections). They were incredibly interesting deep passionate amazing beings. I love being reminded that they truly do exist out there! And that I am welcoming more and more of them into my world. Woot woot! Ok, so back to my story (am I talking too much again?!) … since I didn’t speak much for a good chunk of my life, when I do, it tends to feel like I’m talking too much or overpowering the conversation. Because it feels different and uncomfortable. Interestingly though, it also feels exciting and satisfying. A bit confusing for me to process sometimes. I need to get used to it though. Talking. Speaking my truth. Sharing who I am. I am so grateful for the people that welcome that and are open to that and embrace my truth. Ahhh, so refreshing.

My gratitude also extends to Greg and Elise for a wonderful party and a relaxing Monday and for also accepting me as me.

XO to all

have you ever tried to CHANGE someone?

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein

We have all wanted someone in our lives to be someone else. To be exactly what we want them to be to better serve ourselves. That sounds lovely … if it were at all possible. No one can change if they aren’t willing to, and even more so, if they have no idea that they need to. Many people are fine in their content robotic lives where things are simple and comfortable and safe (feeling grounded is real, people). I am not one of those people (at least for the most part). Living my life in the opposite manner comes with a lot of challenges and fears and discomfort. And all of that has led to so many adventures and learnings and me starting to truly understand ME. My needs, my desires, my calling, my purpose …

Yet, I still have people in my life that I want to change. Because I think that they should. Because I know that life can be happier and more fulfilling. So, why would you just not do it? I try to help and advise, and help and advise, and help and advise some more and … you get my drift. I feel like I’m making myself insane sometimes. Like banging my head against the wall will gain the exact same results. All I can do is continue to love and nourish ME and shine my light on all those around me. And things will shift. Maybe in others, maybe not. But, shifting will surely happen in me, which will shift all of my relationships in a positive way.

There is a piece of me in every person that I want to change, as we are all reflections of each other. The things that trouble me and challenge me the most in these people are most likely the things in myself I have yet to work on, or that still need a little extra love and attention to finally be free of! Remember this the next time you get angry at or shut down around someone. We are all born as loving little baby humans. Love is our natural instinct. Once we can find that love for ourselves again, it will radiate out all over the world!!!

ox LOVE LOVE LOVE xo