what is REAL anyway?


Life is seriously twisted.

The last post I shared with all of you included some very brief information about the horrific tragedy that severely shook up my friend’s life and the life of all their loved ones. I did not know the family, however, was connected by a beautiful soul, a very dear friend of mine … of ours. She called me on Wednesday evening and her voice didn’t even sound like her own. I knew that what her voice was about to speak was really bad. I never in a million years would have thought of this … that her best friend, Heather, and her 3 children died in a house fire in the middle of the night. My jaw dropped and the only word I could speak was FUCK. Followed by a long pause, and then “I have no words.” There are literally no words and I suppose no words were needed. This is something you feel. And even as an outsider, I definitely and truly felt it. I had never in my life felt that much pain for another human being. My chest tightened. My breath stopped. Eventually, the reality of this initiated a flow of tears. And so many other feelings that were beyond this conscious world.

The bizarre part of all this is that I was at Starbucks when she called me. I was in this everyday sort of place. People around me were laughing and playing with their kids and leisurely sipping their coffees while doing work or texting. And in an instant, this “scene” that I was in made no fucking sense to me. I felt like I had left my body and was floating above observing all of these things happening around me. And I couldn’t make sense of it. It didn’t feel real. Or right. How can there be such pain and suffering and such joy and peace at the same fucking time?!? And my life problems were reduced to nothing. I had no right to worry about my problems … what the fuck do they mean anyway?!

My physical body sat there on that Starbucks couch not knowing what to do or where to go. All I could think of to do at that moment was to take out my sticky notes and pens and write luv notes. Luv notes applicable to this exact moment in time – Live in the moment. Cherish every moment. Live each moment as if it’s your last. Be here now. Love yourself. – I made them while in this almost subconscious state of being. Everything seemed to slow down and looked very different to me.

Life seemed like a twisted confusing non-reality. Like this life we live every day isn’t real. It is what we all have created as our reality but this shit isn’t real. I can’t describe what “real” is though, cause I’m still livin’ in this life too…

In loving memory of Heather, Tabitha, Jason and Sean.
My love goes out to all those mourning the loss of this beautiful family.
There are no words, only a whole lot of LOVE.

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new and old, AS ONE …

I took this photo from the top of Hook Mountain on the morning of my birthday. It was a gorgeous day, a perfect day really, and not just because I was born on that day. (Although, let’s be honest, the world became a better place when I joined it.) The weather was glorious. As you can see, the sun sparkled on the Hudson River, the sky was clear blue and there was stillness all around me. And this view, OMG. I could sit here for hours, however, on this day, my desire was to move my body around outside! The bridge in the background is the Tappan Zee Bridge (this description is of course for the many non-New Yorkers that follow my blog). There are actually 2 bridges there, one old and one new. The new is currently under construction and makes for really fascinating, and dangerous, site-seeing when driving across the old bridge. It is pretty damn cool to see this 3 mile long bridge go up though!

Might seem weird to compare my birthday to this bridge, but this is what came up for me around this observation! As I view the old and the new together, I think about my life and my being. Per the numbers, I am getting “older” … yet I feel “newer.” Newer is a better adjective, for me anyway, than younger. When I came into this world, everything was new. I was innocent and observant and fearless and open and loving. I knew no different and had no way of knowing any different … YET. I am still that person, that is all still inside me. However, I am having to relearn it all and reclaim my beautiful open self. I am aware of it and work on it in some magnitude every day of my life now. So, each day, I really do feel newer. New to how I view things. New to how I accept and embrace things. New to how I feel about myself. New to how I feel about others. When you live in the present moment, every moment is new. Doesn’t that sound way more exciting than living in the painful past or having expectations for a future that may never come? Trust me, I know it’s not easy, but it’s absolutely possible for all of us. And it starts with awareness. Come on, let’s do this together … can you say TEAMWORK!?!?